dont make this hard alan part five - for clokes

(Alan walks into his apartment a tiny jewellery box in his hand. Pam is sitting on the couch with a really good-looking man. ie - schmitz. There are bottles of good bubbly at their feet. She touches the mans leg as she laughs)

Pam- Oh Carl. Stop it!

Alan- Pam?

(Carl and Pam look at Alan in the doorway).

Pam- Alan. Hi. This is Carl. He just popped over to say hello.

Alan- Hi.

Carl- Hi Alan. It’s an absolute pleasure.

(Carl gets up and shakes his hand with a million dollar shit eating grin on his good-looking head).

Carl- You got a great woman here… Alan was it?

Alan- yeah. Alan.

(Carl sees the ring case in Alans hand)

Carl- What’ve you got there Al-Miester?

(Alan hides it quickly behind his back)

Carl- Common. Don’t be shy young Al. Show us what you got there.

Alan- no.

Carl- Common. Don’t hide it behind your back.

Alan- Really Carl. It’s private.

Carl- Have you got a ring there Albo? Hey? Got a nice little secret ring there in your skyrocket?

Alan- It’s not in my skyrocket it’s in my hand Carl.

(Carl turns to Pam)

Carl- It’s not in his skyrocket. Bet it set your skyrocket back a bit eh? I think Alan might have something to ask you Pammy.

Alan- Pammy?

Carl- yeah.

Alan- Pammy?

Pam- Leave it Alan. Come on and show me what you’ve got there.

Alan- I’d prefer to do this without Carl in the room.

Pam- Alan. Carl is a guest of mine. Don’t be anti-social.

Alan- Pammy? She hates being called Pammy.

Pam- I don’t hate being called Pammy.

Alan- you hate it. You’ve always told me you hate it.

(Carl smiles his shit-eating grin at Pam)

Carl- You don’t mind me calling you Pammy do you Pammy?

Pam- It doesn’t offend me no.

Carl- Great. So what’s in the box Alan?

Alan- It’s a surprise for Pam.

Carl- Well go on Al. Give it to her.

Alan- I’d actually like to give it to her in private if that’s not too much trouble for you Carl.

Carl- I should leave.

Pam- Don’t be silly Carl. Alan don’t be so rude. Carl is a friend and a guest of mine. Don’t you just barge in here and throw him out onto the street. Now what do you have for me Alan? I’m dying to know.

Alan- I don’t think this is the time for it Pam. I’d really like us to be on our own when I give it to you.

(Carl sits on a chair leaving Pam and Alan on the couch).

Pam- Common Alan sweetie. I’d like to know what it is you have for me. Don’t worry about Carl. He’ll just sit over there by the table. It will be like he’s not even here.

Carl- Not even here.

Pam- Now common.

(Alan looks at Pam, the box in his hand and then at Carl).

Pam- Yes?

Carl- Like I’m not even here. Go for it Alligator!

Alan- Well. Pam. I was doing a lot of thinking and I realised that I love you like I will love no other.

Pam- Awww. That’s so sweet.

Carl – So sweet.

Alan- And I think I am ready in my life to commit myself and my soul to a person who makes my soul sing.

Carl- Beautiful Alan key.

(Alan sits on the edge of the couch facing Pam).

Alan- I realised Pam… that I have already lived a third of my life. And that third has come and go so quickly.

Carl- So quickly. Doesn’t it what?

Alan- I look back on a great life. On a life that I would never trade in a million years. I look back with no regrets, and a steady heart. There gets to be a time as a man when things just stop. Life takes pause Pam. Gives you time to finally take a full breath and be still. See yourself in the world’s perspective. Where you sit. Where you fit in it all. Pam we run around our selves trying to amass the things we think we need, the things we dream and trying to catch that dream in a breath. I believe I have caught that dream, taken in that breath Pam.

Carl- Breathe Algebra breathe.

Alan- Carl. Can you just keep quiet?

Carl- I’m hardly even here. Consider me gone.

(Carl pours himself another champagne).

Alan- Pam. Pammy if you prefer.

Pam- Pam.

Alan- Pam. What I am trying to say is simple. I don’t feel by committing to you forever that I am closing off options. I believe that I am opening up the greatest options a man can. The love of a woman and the dedication of a husband.

Carl – ALIMONI! You’re not are you?

Alan- Carl. SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Alan- I believe in a world with just you by my side. I wish for a world where I see your face beside mine and never see you age in my eyes. I believe in a world without fear and I believe in the freedom our union will bring to our hearts. Because Pam… I believe that a marriage with you is the greatest freedom. Freedom from fear. Freedom from denial, and freedom to love so deeply. That my love is real freedom. Freedom to love wholly and unconditionally. I’ve got a lot of years to live and I am young and some say foolish – but if it’s foolish to want you than I am the greatest fool and a fool I want to stay. If my crime is in loving you too much – than lock me up and throw away the key- because no cell, no shackles, no chains can erase the freedom in my heart when I think of you. Pam-

(Alan gets down on one knee)

Carl- Shit. You’re doing it! He’s fuckin doing it!

Alan- Shut UP!

Alan- Pam? Will you do me the honour of being my wife? Will you allow me that freedom?

(Silence).

Pam- Alan. What can I say? This is such a surprise.

Alan- Say yes my love. Say yes to freedom.

Pam- I am scared of freedom Alan. Freedom makes me feel claustrophobic.

Alan- Say yes my love. Say yes to freedom.

Pam- Is it hot in here?

Carl- Very.

Alan- Pam. My knee is starting to hurt.

Pam- Alan. I can’t take that sort of freedom from you. You deserve to have that freedom yourself. I don’t know. Can I think about it?

Alan- Sure.

Pam- OK. Yes.

Alan- Yes!

Carl- Yes!?

Pam- YES! Yes Alan. Yes. I will think about it.

Alan- No!

Pam- Yes!

Carl- Yes!

(There is a pause. Alan sways a bit on his bended knee. He makes his way up to his feet).

Pam- Alan. Thankyou. Thankyou for your devotion and those kind words. Carl?

Carl- Yo?

Pam- Thankyou for being a witness to Alans love for me.

Carl- No qualms. Nicely done Al-a-carte.

Alan- So you’ll think about it?

Pam- Yes. It’s a beautiful ring. Isn’t it Carl?

(Pam moves to show Carl the ring).

Carl- Certainly is. How much that set you back Alfresco?

Alan- Why are you here Carl? Who are you?

Carl- I’m Carl.

Alan- Do you have a last name Carl?

Carl- Just Carl. CARL. This is cause for a celebration. Get yourself a flute Alcatraz and play a tune on this.

(Carl holds up the champers).

Carl- I love seeing good love work out. I love seeing good people onto a good thing. And you Alana are onto a great thing.

Alan- I know that Carl. I don’t need you to tell me what a good thing I’m onto.

Carl- I said great thing.

Alan- Yes Carl. A great thing.

Carl- cheers.

(They clink glasses).

Pam- I’m going to go and freshen up. I’m blushing all over my face.

(Pam kisses Alan and leaves, but not before Carl grabs her and plants a soft one on her lips).

Carl- Congratulations.

Pam- Thanks Carl. I’ll be back. You too get acquainted.

(Pam exits).

Alan- So where do you spring from Carl?

Carl- An impeccable gene pool.

Alan- Yes. I can see that Carl. How did you get to being in my house drinking champagne with my fiancé?

Carl- It’s a funny road we travel Alan.

Alan- And what road is that?

Carl- I’m going to fuck your fiancé Alimony. There’s no two ways about it.

Alan- Excuse me?

Carl- You heard me.

Alan- I think I did yes. But I don’t quite believe…

Carl- What would you rather Alabama? We do it behind your back?

Alan- I would rather you didn’t do it at all.

Carl- Don’t make this hard Alan.

Alan- I’m not making this hard. You are.

Carl- Alan. You can’t be serious, can you?

Alan- What?

Carl- Do you really think you can contain Pam. Look at yourself – Look at me. I’m not looking to steal her off you Alan. I’m just going to have her occasionally. You can still have your freedom Alan. But don’t stop her from having the best life has to offer. You can’t seriously think that you can maintain her interest in just you do you. She is built for multiple partners Alan. You aren’t because you can’t get them. Look at the woman. She’s built for flings, and sexual liaisons under the blanket of night. That’s her makeup Alan, that’s who she is. She’s a many man woman. You can’t expect to tie her down like that Alan. It’s unfair. To her. To the male population. Don’t be so selfish Alan. You can’t keep her in a jar Alan, she will leave you. The best thing you can do is let her have her affairs and have her as just yours at home. That’s the only way you’ll be able to keep her. I am going to fuck her Alan. Like it or not. I am going to fuck her ragged. You have to make a choice. Let go of her completely – or let her have what she is built to have and keep a small part of her for you. You can have the fuckin’ DVD nights and the washing up together. You can be the guy that goes and gets the tampons when she’s out of them. You can have all those nice couple things. I’ll be having the rest.

Alan- Get out!

Carl- Alan. If you cause a stir she’ll turn against you. I’m telling you.

Alan- Get out of here.

Carl- If you kick me out Albatross, she’ll take my side.

Alan- GET OUT OF HERE! AND TAKE YOUR FUCKED UP GENE POOL WITH YOU!

(Pam is standing at the door).

Pam- Alan. What’s going on?

Alan- Carl is saying he’s going to fuck you.

Pam- Well of course he is Alan.

Alan- I don’t believe it.

Pam- Alan. There you were talking about a marriage of freedom, about it being freeing to you and yet you won’t allow Carl and I that same freedom. You can’t have it all your own way Alan. Marriage is a two way street.

Alan- I’m talking about freedom…

Pam- I know what you’re talking about Alan, you spoke about it for five minutes.

Alan- Freedom when I’m…

Pam- Alan. Listen to me. Alan? Listening?

Carl- The lady’s talking Alan.

Alan- Yes.

Pam- There can’t be rules and guidelines where freedom is concerned Alan. You can’t give freedom a cage. That goes against the very idea of freedom. You can’t expect to have freedom and give freedom on your terms. That’s not how freedom works. Freedom’s a bird Alan, put it in a cage and it’s a budgie. A pet. I’m surprised at you Alan. Really.

Alan- So you are going to fuck Carl?

Pam- Alan! You spoke of freedom. Don’t take it all for yourself. I will be your wife Alan. I am giving my hand to you. I am committing to you, what more do you want? The shirt off my back?

Carl- I’ll be taking that.

Alan- Sit down Carl!

Carl- Al-queda be cool.

Alan- I’m cool Carl. I’m very cool I think. Under the circumstances I’m cool.

Carl- Ally-cat. Can I call you Ally-cat?

Alan- No. No. You can’t call me Allicat. My name is Alan.

Carl- Of course it is Alsation. I know that./ but it doesn’t have that pizzaz. That zing. Not like Carl. CARRRRL. Now that’s hot. Just Carl. CARRRL. Hear that Jessica Alba? Carrrl. It’s hot. It’s beautiful baby.

Alan- I’m going to bed.

Carl- You do that Fat Albert. I’ll be here hittin it.

Alan- Hittin’ it? What the hell is Hittin’ it?

Carl- Hittin’ it licorice Al-sorts.

(Carl stands and mimes slapping some arse. He looks at Pam)

Carl- Hittin’ it. See. Tappin it. Like this…

Alan- Yeah. I get it carl. I get it.

Pam- Oh Carl (Laughs)

Alan- See you in the morning Pam.

Pam- Night Alan.

(Alan stands waiting for Pam to come with. She doesn’t. Carl is still air tappin).

Alan- Night.

(Alan exists and Carl makes his way over to the couch with Pam, he pours a glass of bubbly).

Carl- So… Can I hit it?

(Pam laughs).
BLACK.