dont make this hard alan part one
Pam- There’s something terribly wrong Alan.
Alan- Is there?
Pam- You know there is Alan.
Alan- Do I?
Pam- Please Alan. Don’t do this. Don’t pretend. We both know.
Alan- Uhm. Yeah. Of course Pam. (He thinks) What do we know?
Pam- Do I have to spell it out to you Alan?
Alan- Uhm. Maybe. Yeah.
Pam- Do I really Alan? Do I really?
(There is silence as they look at each other. Pam takes his hands in hers from across the table.)
Pam – It’s not you it’s me.
(PAUSE)
Alan- What?
Pam- It’s not you Alan. You are incredible. A really wonderful person.
Alan- right.
Pam- Really sweet, and kind, and… look Alan – under different circumstances, a different time maybe…
Alan- Are you dumping me?
Pam- Alan please. Let me finish.
Alan- You’re dumping me.
Pam- It’s not you Alan. This is no reflection on you as a person. You are everything a girl could want.
Alan- You’re dumping me.
Pam- It’s not you Alan, it’s me…
Alan- I know it’s you. You’re the one who’s dumping me.
Pam- I’m not dumping you Alan. We’re just talking. That’s all. Just talking things through. Together. Communicating. Like adults. Expressing feelings, thoughts…ideas. Just seeing where we’re both ‘at’.
Alan- At?
Pam- I love you Alan, you know that.
(Alan is quiet).
Pam- But… Love isn’t the issue here. Is it Alan?
Alan- What is the issue here Pam?
Pam- Alan. Don’t be difficult. I’m trying to be strong about this.
Alan- Strong?
Pam- Yes. Someone has to have the courage in this relationship. And by the looks of things it’s going to have to be me.
(Pause)
Pam- But that’s also fine Alan. That’s also fine. I don’t mind being the strong one. That’s not the issue here.
Alan- What is the issue exactly? Can I be let in on it?
Pam- I don’t want to be with you Alan. And if I have to be the strong one, the one to do the breaking up – then I’m prepared to sacrifice my pride and myself and do this thing. I’m stepping up to the crease Alan, the cards are on the table, the first bowl has been bowled, it’s kicked off now Alan – and I wish you would help me with this.
(Alan is silent)
Pam- I’m out here all alone Alan.
(Pam starts to cry and Alan is still in shock.)
Pam- Well don’t just sit there Alan, can’t you see I’m upset?
Alan- So am I!
Pam- Alan Please. Don’t be selfish now. Not now. We’re doing this together. This is what we want.
Alan- We?
Pam – yes we Alan. Don’t put this all on me. I need you now. Look at me. Can’t you see that?
Alan- What do you want me to do?
Pam- Alan I’m trying to be strong but I just don’t quite have the strength yet. I can’t do this on my own. ALAN PLEASE!!!
(Alan goes to her and hugs her).
Alan- It’s Ok. I know this must be hard for you.
Pam- Yes Alan. Yes it is.
Alan- I’m sorry. Are you OK?
Pam- I’m just a little girl Alan.
(Alan kisses her gently to console her).
Pam- I’m really just a little girl.
Alan- It’s Ok.
Pam – I know I fuck like a woman Alan. I know I’m very experienced in that way. More so than you, but under it all I’m just a little girl.
Alan- It’s alright. I’m here now.
(He kisses her again)
Pam- I know how people see me Alan. I know when I walk into a pub or a bar and all the men look at me, I know that they think I’m this hot red-blooded woman who can please them like none other. I know how they see me. I’m not blind. I know when I get a bit boozy or have a few lines I can come across as this sex crazed man-eater that can’t get enough. But that’s not me normally is it? Not at home. You know that. I’m just a scared little girl who barely wants to have sex. You know that.
Alan- Yeah. Yeah I know that.
(He kisses her hand)
Pam- I’m just little.
Alan – I know.
Pam- I’m just a baby.
Alan- I know that Pam.
(Alan kisses her on the lips. She kisses back before pushing him away upset)
Pam- NO! Alan. No.
Alan – What? No what?
Pam – Alan, we don’t do those things anymore. Alan? We can’t be all touchy feely… all lips and hands all over the place. We are breaking up. Why can’t you just let it go? Be strong Alan. For Christ’s sake. Be a man about this. We don’t do those couple things anymore. We’re trying to sort this out like Adults.
Alan- I’m sorry.
Pam – So am I Alan. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I hate that it has to end this way.
Alan- But we just got back from the Maldives.
Pam- Alan, sweetie. The Maldives were a lot of fun. We got on really well, we rekindled everything that was missing, we made the sweetest love, and I really fell in love with you again Alan.
Alan- Yeah? So what’s the problem?
Pam- We’re not in the Maldives anymore are we Alan?
(She is frustrated with him).
Pam- We’re in Berala. Back in Berala Alan, and we’re not those same people that were walking hand in hand on the beach whispering sweet nothings to each other, and breaking open coconut shells with matching Swiss army knives. Do you see any beaches here Alan? Do you see any sand? Any coconuts? Any ‘Swiss style’ knives with army multi-functions? No. We are different people now.
Alan- We just got back this morning.
Pam- Alan you need to open your eyes. Look around you. We’re falling to pieces bit by bit.
Alan- We just landed three hours ago.
Pam- And look where we are already. Don’t make this hard Alan.
Alan – I don’t understand. We were so happy.
Pam- Were Alan. WERE. You have to let go of the past. We can’t live that way. We can’t just sit here and look back at all those fabulous times making love in soft white sand on untouched beaches and think that everything is OK. What about now? What about us now? Can’t you see? You’re living in a fool’s paradise. It’s not all sand and surf and fun. It’s not all rainy, mildly humid nights in seaside bungalows, eating freshly caught crayfish, and rediscovering each others bodies under candlelight. It’s not all room service Alan.
Alan- I just thought we were falling for each other again. Like the old days…
Pam- Thankyou for the holiday Alan. Thankyou. I know it took a lot of saving for you to be able to take me somewhere nice. Thankyou for that. You worked hard. I appreciate it.
Alan- Double shifts for six months.
Pam- Don’t you dare lay the guilt trip on me Alan. Not now. Don’t spoil the most incredible time of my life by making me feel guilty. You wanted to do this whole sunset romantic extravaganza, wash away your troubles holiday blitz. It was your idea. Not mine. God knows it was out of your price-range.
Alan- You said you wanted me to treat you better. You said I never did anything nice for you. You said I never took you anywhere further than the ‘Surf and Turf’ at Katula.
Pam- Reef and beef? Is that what I am to you? Is that all I’m worth? Water and slaughter Alan?
Alan- I love you Pam. I would do anything for you, you know that. I would catch the moon in a paper cup and slip it in your vodka martini; I would lassie the moon and drag it closer so you could see all the detail and it would be yours and yours alone.
Pam- Detail schmeetail. When Alan? When have you ever lassoed the moon? I’ve never seen it. You can’t even ride a horse.
Alan- You don’t have to ride a horse to lassoe the moon?
Pam- Really Alan? Really?
Alan- Yes. Really.
Pam – Then how does one lasso the moon Alan? Show me? With a shoelace and a rocking horse?
Alan- What do you want Pam? What are you trying to tell me?
Pam- People change Alan. They drift apart. Time is a traveller Alan. Time waits for no man.
Alan – So what does it wait for?
Pam- It waits… It waits five months for you to save up enough money to take me to the Maldives. That’s what it waits for. Time waits for Alan apparently. For Alan to come home from all nighters, while Pam sits at home lonely night after night.
Alan – I’m sorry about that.
Pam- While Pam sits at home on her own day after day, night after night. At home hour upon hour, while you are out gallivanting about town…
Alan- Gallivanting? I was packing tubes of tooth whitener into cardboard boxes at the IGA mega-store.
Pam- Hanging out in the loading docks smoking cigarettes with all your new friends.
Alan- I don’t smoke.
Pam- Really Alan? Really?
Alan- Yes. Really.
Pam – We’ll see.
Alan – What do you mean we’ll see? I don’t smoke. There’s no ‘we’ll see’ about it. I don’t do it.
Pam- Smoking isn’t the issue here Alan. Whether you smoke or don’t is hardly what we’re talking about. If you want to go smoke your head off, that’s your problem. Don’t make it about smoking. I’ve never stopped you from doing it.
Alan- That’s cause I don’t do it!
Pam- I’ve never stopped you though, have I?
Alan- What is the issue here Pam? Because I’m a little lost.
Pam- You just put so much pressure on me all the time. I feel this enormous amount of pressure. You have to stop doing nice things for me. It’s too much pressure. Makes me feel guilty about not doing nice things for you… ever.
Alan – I don’t do it to pressure you Pam.
Pam- But it is pressure Alan. I’m not like you. I don’t DO nice things for you. I don’t remember our anniversary; I don’t give you little gifts out of the blue, remember the things you like. So stop pressuring me by doing these nice things all the time. Stop making me feel guilty by remembering my birthday when I forget yours. It’s unfair.
Alan- I do do nice things. I’m sorry.
Pam – It’s all the bloody time Alan. That’s the point. Not a single day goes by where you wont come home with my favorite chocolate, or a single red rose wrapped in rare coloured cellophane, or a CD that I want, or replace the book that my ex-boyfriend lent and never gave back. It’s non-stop Alan. It’s driving me to hate you.
Alan- But they are all the things you like.
Pam- Yes. I like them Alan. I talk about the borrowed books and my favorite artists, but that doesn’t mean I want them.
Alan- Well what do you want?
(There is a two minute silence. Pam can’t think of a thing).
Pam- Don’t turn this thing around on me Alan. Don’t do that.
Alan- Turn it around?
Pam- Ohh. Ohh. Alan. Don’t. Don’t be this way. Don’t slip into some sulky child thing cause that’s the very reason I can’t stand being with you.
Alan- Can’t stand being with me?
Pam- Don’t sulk Alan. Don’t be childish. Be a man for God’s sake. Stand up for yourself.
(She thinks)
Pam- Alan? Do you know what I want? Do you even know?
Alan- Apparently not.
Pam- I want a man who will come home from work with concrete on his boots, wipe his feet, pick me up and carry me into the bedroom and read me poetry. I want a tough, sexy, confident man. A man who knows what he wants and goes out and gets it. I want a man with a swagger, a man who is led by his chest when he walks down the street. A man who cooks and cleans and listens and understands. A man who’s cocksure. A man who isn’t afraid to do his own thing and to tell me that he’s doing it. I want a man who will tell me to shut up once in a while. I want a man who buys me roses and just gives me the stems. I want a man who will light some candles and surprise me with a dinner, a new dress and some lavender massage oil before fucking the living bejesus out of me over a toilet bowl with the new dress torn to pieces on the bathroom floor. I want a man who is funny, serious, sexy, aloof, strong, vulnerable, smart, stupid, misogynist, feminine, career maker, heart breaker, sensitive, caring, dangerous, hard to get, independent, and all mine. I want a real man!
(Pause)
Alan- Well. Good luck with that one.
Pam- What are you saying Alan?
Alan- Oh nothing. I’ll just go get the ‘2005 Perfect Man Manual’ by – CRAZY FUCKED UP DELUSIONAL BITCHES!!!
Alan- Is there?
Pam- You know there is Alan.
Alan- Do I?
Pam- Please Alan. Don’t do this. Don’t pretend. We both know.
Alan- Uhm. Yeah. Of course Pam. (He thinks) What do we know?
Pam- Do I have to spell it out to you Alan?
Alan- Uhm. Maybe. Yeah.
Pam- Do I really Alan? Do I really?
(There is silence as they look at each other. Pam takes his hands in hers from across the table.)
Pam – It’s not you it’s me.
(PAUSE)
Alan- What?
Pam- It’s not you Alan. You are incredible. A really wonderful person.
Alan- right.
Pam- Really sweet, and kind, and… look Alan – under different circumstances, a different time maybe…
Alan- Are you dumping me?
Pam- Alan please. Let me finish.
Alan- You’re dumping me.
Pam- It’s not you Alan. This is no reflection on you as a person. You are everything a girl could want.
Alan- You’re dumping me.
Pam- It’s not you Alan, it’s me…
Alan- I know it’s you. You’re the one who’s dumping me.
Pam- I’m not dumping you Alan. We’re just talking. That’s all. Just talking things through. Together. Communicating. Like adults. Expressing feelings, thoughts…ideas. Just seeing where we’re both ‘at’.
Alan- At?
Pam- I love you Alan, you know that.
(Alan is quiet).
Pam- But… Love isn’t the issue here. Is it Alan?
Alan- What is the issue here Pam?
Pam- Alan. Don’t be difficult. I’m trying to be strong about this.
Alan- Strong?
Pam- Yes. Someone has to have the courage in this relationship. And by the looks of things it’s going to have to be me.
(Pause)
Pam- But that’s also fine Alan. That’s also fine. I don’t mind being the strong one. That’s not the issue here.
Alan- What is the issue exactly? Can I be let in on it?
Pam- I don’t want to be with you Alan. And if I have to be the strong one, the one to do the breaking up – then I’m prepared to sacrifice my pride and myself and do this thing. I’m stepping up to the crease Alan, the cards are on the table, the first bowl has been bowled, it’s kicked off now Alan – and I wish you would help me with this.
(Alan is silent)
Pam- I’m out here all alone Alan.
(Pam starts to cry and Alan is still in shock.)
Pam- Well don’t just sit there Alan, can’t you see I’m upset?
Alan- So am I!
Pam- Alan Please. Don’t be selfish now. Not now. We’re doing this together. This is what we want.
Alan- We?
Pam – yes we Alan. Don’t put this all on me. I need you now. Look at me. Can’t you see that?
Alan- What do you want me to do?
Pam- Alan I’m trying to be strong but I just don’t quite have the strength yet. I can’t do this on my own. ALAN PLEASE!!!
(Alan goes to her and hugs her).
Alan- It’s Ok. I know this must be hard for you.
Pam- Yes Alan. Yes it is.
Alan- I’m sorry. Are you OK?
Pam- I’m just a little girl Alan.
(Alan kisses her gently to console her).
Pam- I’m really just a little girl.
Alan- It’s Ok.
Pam – I know I fuck like a woman Alan. I know I’m very experienced in that way. More so than you, but under it all I’m just a little girl.
Alan- It’s alright. I’m here now.
(He kisses her again)
Pam- I know how people see me Alan. I know when I walk into a pub or a bar and all the men look at me, I know that they think I’m this hot red-blooded woman who can please them like none other. I know how they see me. I’m not blind. I know when I get a bit boozy or have a few lines I can come across as this sex crazed man-eater that can’t get enough. But that’s not me normally is it? Not at home. You know that. I’m just a scared little girl who barely wants to have sex. You know that.
Alan- Yeah. Yeah I know that.
(He kisses her hand)
Pam- I’m just little.
Alan – I know.
Pam- I’m just a baby.
Alan- I know that Pam.
(Alan kisses her on the lips. She kisses back before pushing him away upset)
Pam- NO! Alan. No.
Alan – What? No what?
Pam – Alan, we don’t do those things anymore. Alan? We can’t be all touchy feely… all lips and hands all over the place. We are breaking up. Why can’t you just let it go? Be strong Alan. For Christ’s sake. Be a man about this. We don’t do those couple things anymore. We’re trying to sort this out like Adults.
Alan- I’m sorry.
Pam – So am I Alan. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I hate that it has to end this way.
Alan- But we just got back from the Maldives.
Pam- Alan, sweetie. The Maldives were a lot of fun. We got on really well, we rekindled everything that was missing, we made the sweetest love, and I really fell in love with you again Alan.
Alan- Yeah? So what’s the problem?
Pam- We’re not in the Maldives anymore are we Alan?
(She is frustrated with him).
Pam- We’re in Berala. Back in Berala Alan, and we’re not those same people that were walking hand in hand on the beach whispering sweet nothings to each other, and breaking open coconut shells with matching Swiss army knives. Do you see any beaches here Alan? Do you see any sand? Any coconuts? Any ‘Swiss style’ knives with army multi-functions? No. We are different people now.
Alan- We just got back this morning.
Pam- Alan you need to open your eyes. Look around you. We’re falling to pieces bit by bit.
Alan- We just landed three hours ago.
Pam- And look where we are already. Don’t make this hard Alan.
Alan – I don’t understand. We were so happy.
Pam- Were Alan. WERE. You have to let go of the past. We can’t live that way. We can’t just sit here and look back at all those fabulous times making love in soft white sand on untouched beaches and think that everything is OK. What about now? What about us now? Can’t you see? You’re living in a fool’s paradise. It’s not all sand and surf and fun. It’s not all rainy, mildly humid nights in seaside bungalows, eating freshly caught crayfish, and rediscovering each others bodies under candlelight. It’s not all room service Alan.
Alan- I just thought we were falling for each other again. Like the old days…
Pam- Thankyou for the holiday Alan. Thankyou. I know it took a lot of saving for you to be able to take me somewhere nice. Thankyou for that. You worked hard. I appreciate it.
Alan- Double shifts for six months.
Pam- Don’t you dare lay the guilt trip on me Alan. Not now. Don’t spoil the most incredible time of my life by making me feel guilty. You wanted to do this whole sunset romantic extravaganza, wash away your troubles holiday blitz. It was your idea. Not mine. God knows it was out of your price-range.
Alan- You said you wanted me to treat you better. You said I never did anything nice for you. You said I never took you anywhere further than the ‘Surf and Turf’ at Katula.
Pam- Reef and beef? Is that what I am to you? Is that all I’m worth? Water and slaughter Alan?
Alan- I love you Pam. I would do anything for you, you know that. I would catch the moon in a paper cup and slip it in your vodka martini; I would lassie the moon and drag it closer so you could see all the detail and it would be yours and yours alone.
Pam- Detail schmeetail. When Alan? When have you ever lassoed the moon? I’ve never seen it. You can’t even ride a horse.
Alan- You don’t have to ride a horse to lassoe the moon?
Pam- Really Alan? Really?
Alan- Yes. Really.
Pam – Then how does one lasso the moon Alan? Show me? With a shoelace and a rocking horse?
Alan- What do you want Pam? What are you trying to tell me?
Pam- People change Alan. They drift apart. Time is a traveller Alan. Time waits for no man.
Alan – So what does it wait for?
Pam- It waits… It waits five months for you to save up enough money to take me to the Maldives. That’s what it waits for. Time waits for Alan apparently. For Alan to come home from all nighters, while Pam sits at home lonely night after night.
Alan – I’m sorry about that.
Pam- While Pam sits at home on her own day after day, night after night. At home hour upon hour, while you are out gallivanting about town…
Alan- Gallivanting? I was packing tubes of tooth whitener into cardboard boxes at the IGA mega-store.
Pam- Hanging out in the loading docks smoking cigarettes with all your new friends.
Alan- I don’t smoke.
Pam- Really Alan? Really?
Alan- Yes. Really.
Pam – We’ll see.
Alan – What do you mean we’ll see? I don’t smoke. There’s no ‘we’ll see’ about it. I don’t do it.
Pam- Smoking isn’t the issue here Alan. Whether you smoke or don’t is hardly what we’re talking about. If you want to go smoke your head off, that’s your problem. Don’t make it about smoking. I’ve never stopped you from doing it.
Alan- That’s cause I don’t do it!
Pam- I’ve never stopped you though, have I?
Alan- What is the issue here Pam? Because I’m a little lost.
Pam- You just put so much pressure on me all the time. I feel this enormous amount of pressure. You have to stop doing nice things for me. It’s too much pressure. Makes me feel guilty about not doing nice things for you… ever.
Alan – I don’t do it to pressure you Pam.
Pam- But it is pressure Alan. I’m not like you. I don’t DO nice things for you. I don’t remember our anniversary; I don’t give you little gifts out of the blue, remember the things you like. So stop pressuring me by doing these nice things all the time. Stop making me feel guilty by remembering my birthday when I forget yours. It’s unfair.
Alan- I do do nice things. I’m sorry.
Pam – It’s all the bloody time Alan. That’s the point. Not a single day goes by where you wont come home with my favorite chocolate, or a single red rose wrapped in rare coloured cellophane, or a CD that I want, or replace the book that my ex-boyfriend lent and never gave back. It’s non-stop Alan. It’s driving me to hate you.
Alan- But they are all the things you like.
Pam- Yes. I like them Alan. I talk about the borrowed books and my favorite artists, but that doesn’t mean I want them.
Alan- Well what do you want?
(There is a two minute silence. Pam can’t think of a thing).
Pam- Don’t turn this thing around on me Alan. Don’t do that.
Alan- Turn it around?
Pam- Ohh. Ohh. Alan. Don’t. Don’t be this way. Don’t slip into some sulky child thing cause that’s the very reason I can’t stand being with you.
Alan- Can’t stand being with me?
Pam- Don’t sulk Alan. Don’t be childish. Be a man for God’s sake. Stand up for yourself.
(She thinks)
Pam- Alan? Do you know what I want? Do you even know?
Alan- Apparently not.
Pam- I want a man who will come home from work with concrete on his boots, wipe his feet, pick me up and carry me into the bedroom and read me poetry. I want a tough, sexy, confident man. A man who knows what he wants and goes out and gets it. I want a man with a swagger, a man who is led by his chest when he walks down the street. A man who cooks and cleans and listens and understands. A man who’s cocksure. A man who isn’t afraid to do his own thing and to tell me that he’s doing it. I want a man who will tell me to shut up once in a while. I want a man who buys me roses and just gives me the stems. I want a man who will light some candles and surprise me with a dinner, a new dress and some lavender massage oil before fucking the living bejesus out of me over a toilet bowl with the new dress torn to pieces on the bathroom floor. I want a man who is funny, serious, sexy, aloof, strong, vulnerable, smart, stupid, misogynist, feminine, career maker, heart breaker, sensitive, caring, dangerous, hard to get, independent, and all mine. I want a real man!
(Pause)
Alan- Well. Good luck with that one.
Pam- What are you saying Alan?
Alan- Oh nothing. I’ll just go get the ‘2005 Perfect Man Manual’ by – CRAZY FUCKED UP DELUSIONAL BITCHES!!!
posted by Roguemaze Central at 2:01 PM
13 Comments:
can't say i ever have seen that happen.
although pam reminds me of my high school drama teacher. A LOT.
what can i say? anything to distract me from another phone call to a bogan client.
do you know i just got a fax in which a particular bogan's spelling was so appalling she wrote that she had "or ready sent me the fyle".
FUCK ME!
somebody?
PLEASE!
Bogans are a constat source of amusement.
I amuse myself all the time.
was that you on the phone just then?
Pam is real Dxxxx. So real.
Alan just needs to stand up to her. I have little sympathy... No, I take that back. Kick her to the kerb. Stupid bitch.
la nadine: I had a bogan send an email yesterday which contained the following:
"that work I done for you"
Alan ends up torturing her. And sleeping with her dead body.
SLEEPING not SLEEPING! You bunch of filthcakes!
He loves her to death.
Roguemaze central said...
Can't believe you actually read all that.
I can't believe you actually wrote all of that.
Wow. That was really funny!
Til it got disturbing - and that was only because it started sounding a little like it may have been a verbatim retelling of your recent break up with the ice skater.
Then it was just really funny again...until I started thinking maybe there was a bit of Pam in me.
Then I thought "nah, as if" and it was really funny again.
Yeah, kick her to the curb.
Then it got even funnier when La Nadine kept chiming in with new stories about bogans.
Ah blogging. So funny. So biting.
*throws her computer out the window lest she never returns from this nerd world she's been sucked into.*
Now that's a soap opera script that needs to be recorded. It could get a run on LMS, maybe?
See I can write plays. You can play pam if you like. I've almost finished it.
That was quite, quite brilliant. x
Hey jess. I am blocked from leaving a message on your site or sumthin/?????
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