Don't make this hard alan - Part four
SCENE 4
(Packing at IGA mega-store)
Bevan- So’d you dump the bitch?
Alan- Not exactly. No.
Bevan- You didn’t? So what happened? She suck up to you? Offer you sex for forgiveness?
Alan- We’re getting married.
Bevan- YOU’RE JOKING!?
(Bevan pauses)
Bevan- Well. CONCRATULATIONS! Maaaaate!
Alan- Thanks. I’m quite sure about this. I mean, I woke up this morning and it just POPPED! Into my head.
Bevan- So you asked her this morning?
Alan- Nah. I woke up and it was just hanging there in the air in front of me. I think I’ll ask Pam to marry me. Unbelievable!
Bevan- I’ll say.
Alan- This could be the one Bevan. This could be the final voyage to happilyeverafterland.
Bevan- Sure. Or it could be the final voyage to fuckedforeverinthedateland. It’s a fine line.
Alan- Don’t be so pessimistic Bevan. She’s just neurotic that’s all. That’s hardly her fault is it? People can’t help what they inherently are Bevan. She’s just emotional. I can’t hold that against her.
Bevan- She doesn’t have bipolar!
Alan- She’s neurotic Bevan. IS that a crime? Should she be chastised and ousted, and kept from having the basic human freedoms that we all take for granted?
Bevan- Like what?
Alan- Like love. And true understanding. Loyalty. Dedication. And marriage.
Bevan- She’s not suffering from a disease Alan! She’s just a moody bitch.
Alan- That’s not her fault. I like that she’s a challenge. I like that it’s this fierce, hot, feisty unpredictable relationship.
Bevan- Unpredictable? It’s not unpredictable. It’s totally predictable. I predict that she will be a moody bitch all the time.
Alan- It’s feisty.
Bevan- It’s not feisty Alan. You are just not used to having intercourse with anyone. A stroll in the park holding a dog leash would be feisty to you Alan, if there was a dog on the end of it.
Alan- Why can’t you be happy for me?
Bevan- Don’t make this hard Alan. Don’t make it about me or you or our friendship. It’s about you doing what you want for a change. You walk in here, and whatever mood she was last in, determines how yours is for the day. If she’s all pre-menstral… Does she even menstruate - or is her life all just pre? She’s just all ‘pre’ and no menstrual. It’s all just this moody build up that never sees the light of day? Like a clot. Some fucked up emotional, pre-mestrual clot that just never releases itself. Shit maybe it’s you who does the menstruating – you’re the one who always feels so sick in the guts about it all the time – she does the pre and you do the menstruating for her. She creates the build up and you get the mess.
Alan- She does menstruate.
Bevan- I suppose there’s Pre menstrual tension, Menstrual tension, Post menstrual tension, post traumatic menstrual depression, pre traumatic menstrual associated tension… So many fuckin’ letters in there you could start a new language. I can see how difficult it would be to be constantly suffering to that degree. It would be hard on anyone to have to go through such a vicious unrelenting natural cycle. Does she even ovulate? Or is that thwarted by the post-post menstrual strain of pre traumatic menstrual tension? The P.P.M.S.P.T.M.T… syndrome?
Alan- She’s not always like that. She just has her moments.
Bevan- Moments of what? Of normalness? Is it all moody and then this split second of ovulation before the cycle starts again? ‘OH! Quick Alan honey – come in the bedroom- I think I’m ovulating! Oh – Quickly! It’s here! Oh -Don’t worry about it then Alan, if you can’t fuckin’ get here in fucking time then just fucking forget about it’.
Alan- We just had a week of great sex. In the Maldives.
Bevan- What exactly does she do Alan? While you are here packing Naprogesic into boxes?
Alan- She…
Bevan- Should take a crate home with you. And don’t think I don’t see you sneaking off behind the industrial bins to call her just after you’ve said to me you’re you’ve had a gut full of her shit.
Alan- I don’t.
Bevan- Alan I’ve seen you. Sneaking off to make the call then being all blokey, ballsy in front of me about it.
Alan- I do not!
Bevan- Alan. There’s a security camera right over the bins. We all watch you. Curling your neck around the phone and smiling like a retarded baby shark. Grimacing like an infant with wind.
Alan- Come on Bevan. Relationships take a lot of repair.
Bevan- You should get a sponsorship from fucking Clag! The amount of shit you try stickin’ back together. Just brush it on yourself before you go home.
Alan- I love Pam.
Bevan- Alright Aryldite. Do what you want. I’ll still support you.
(Bevan grabs his head)
Bevan- If there’s one constant in a sea of everchangin’ love. It’s me.
Alan- Thanks.
Bevan- And let me just state for the record. Not all women are like Pam. Not all women are so… what’s the word?… FUCKED! I will back you, and support you cause that’s what mates do… but I really think there might be someone more suited to you out there. Someone who can give you a little more in return. Somewhere out there Alan… beyond the hyper-sensitive world of She-tyrant-dom is the woman of your dreams. Not the woman of your dramas. Similar lettering – very different outcomes. She may be fat… and ugly… and simple… but by Christ she’ll love you… and respect you. You’re a good solid sensitive man Alan. You deserve the best that life has to offer.
Alan- Thanks.
Bevan- And all that from a bloke who isn’t into other blokes arses. Now pass the Revlon number 7’s.
(Alan passes the boxes of Revlon).
(BLACK)
(Packing at IGA mega-store)
Bevan- So’d you dump the bitch?
Alan- Not exactly. No.
Bevan- You didn’t? So what happened? She suck up to you? Offer you sex for forgiveness?
Alan- We’re getting married.
Bevan- YOU’RE JOKING!?
(Bevan pauses)
Bevan- Well. CONCRATULATIONS! Maaaaate!
Alan- Thanks. I’m quite sure about this. I mean, I woke up this morning and it just POPPED! Into my head.
Bevan- So you asked her this morning?
Alan- Nah. I woke up and it was just hanging there in the air in front of me. I think I’ll ask Pam to marry me. Unbelievable!
Bevan- I’ll say.
Alan- This could be the one Bevan. This could be the final voyage to happilyeverafterland.
Bevan- Sure. Or it could be the final voyage to fuckedforeverinthedateland. It’s a fine line.
Alan- Don’t be so pessimistic Bevan. She’s just neurotic that’s all. That’s hardly her fault is it? People can’t help what they inherently are Bevan. She’s just emotional. I can’t hold that against her.
Bevan- She doesn’t have bipolar!
Alan- She’s neurotic Bevan. IS that a crime? Should she be chastised and ousted, and kept from having the basic human freedoms that we all take for granted?
Bevan- Like what?
Alan- Like love. And true understanding. Loyalty. Dedication. And marriage.
Bevan- She’s not suffering from a disease Alan! She’s just a moody bitch.
Alan- That’s not her fault. I like that she’s a challenge. I like that it’s this fierce, hot, feisty unpredictable relationship.
Bevan- Unpredictable? It’s not unpredictable. It’s totally predictable. I predict that she will be a moody bitch all the time.
Alan- It’s feisty.
Bevan- It’s not feisty Alan. You are just not used to having intercourse with anyone. A stroll in the park holding a dog leash would be feisty to you Alan, if there was a dog on the end of it.
Alan- Why can’t you be happy for me?
Bevan- Don’t make this hard Alan. Don’t make it about me or you or our friendship. It’s about you doing what you want for a change. You walk in here, and whatever mood she was last in, determines how yours is for the day. If she’s all pre-menstral… Does she even menstruate - or is her life all just pre? She’s just all ‘pre’ and no menstrual. It’s all just this moody build up that never sees the light of day? Like a clot. Some fucked up emotional, pre-mestrual clot that just never releases itself. Shit maybe it’s you who does the menstruating – you’re the one who always feels so sick in the guts about it all the time – she does the pre and you do the menstruating for her. She creates the build up and you get the mess.
Alan- She does menstruate.
Bevan- I suppose there’s Pre menstrual tension, Menstrual tension, Post menstrual tension, post traumatic menstrual depression, pre traumatic menstrual associated tension… So many fuckin’ letters in there you could start a new language. I can see how difficult it would be to be constantly suffering to that degree. It would be hard on anyone to have to go through such a vicious unrelenting natural cycle. Does she even ovulate? Or is that thwarted by the post-post menstrual strain of pre traumatic menstrual tension? The P.P.M.S.P.T.M.T… syndrome?
Alan- She’s not always like that. She just has her moments.
Bevan- Moments of what? Of normalness? Is it all moody and then this split second of ovulation before the cycle starts again? ‘OH! Quick Alan honey – come in the bedroom- I think I’m ovulating! Oh – Quickly! It’s here! Oh -Don’t worry about it then Alan, if you can’t fuckin’ get here in fucking time then just fucking forget about it’.
Alan- We just had a week of great sex. In the Maldives.
Bevan- What exactly does she do Alan? While you are here packing Naprogesic into boxes?
Alan- She…
Bevan- Should take a crate home with you. And don’t think I don’t see you sneaking off behind the industrial bins to call her just after you’ve said to me you’re you’ve had a gut full of her shit.
Alan- I don’t.
Bevan- Alan I’ve seen you. Sneaking off to make the call then being all blokey, ballsy in front of me about it.
Alan- I do not!
Bevan- Alan. There’s a security camera right over the bins. We all watch you. Curling your neck around the phone and smiling like a retarded baby shark. Grimacing like an infant with wind.
Alan- Come on Bevan. Relationships take a lot of repair.
Bevan- You should get a sponsorship from fucking Clag! The amount of shit you try stickin’ back together. Just brush it on yourself before you go home.
Alan- I love Pam.
Bevan- Alright Aryldite. Do what you want. I’ll still support you.
(Bevan grabs his head)
Bevan- If there’s one constant in a sea of everchangin’ love. It’s me.
Alan- Thanks.
Bevan- And let me just state for the record. Not all women are like Pam. Not all women are so… what’s the word?… FUCKED! I will back you, and support you cause that’s what mates do… but I really think there might be someone more suited to you out there. Someone who can give you a little more in return. Somewhere out there Alan… beyond the hyper-sensitive world of She-tyrant-dom is the woman of your dreams. Not the woman of your dramas. Similar lettering – very different outcomes. She may be fat… and ugly… and simple… but by Christ she’ll love you… and respect you. You’re a good solid sensitive man Alan. You deserve the best that life has to offer.
Alan- Thanks.
Bevan- And all that from a bloke who isn’t into other blokes arses. Now pass the Revlon number 7’s.
(Alan passes the boxes of Revlon).
(BLACK)
posted by Roguemaze Central at 9:33 PM
7 Comments:
i suffer from P.P.M.S.P.T.M.T syndrome... i think [talk to me about day 20]
but i have no idea what a revlon no 7 is [chanel no 5, yes]
i liked alan in part 1, now i like bevan better. i didn't even read part 3.
revlon number 7 my lady is a shade of liquid make up. They go by numbers.
I am a bloke and I know this...?
You need to read part three. To get all the genius... I mean character development and arcs.
Bevan needs a baseball bat to knock some sense into alan. I think they are in aisle 8.
Part 3 is the crux, must read.
It has Tony award written all over it.
um, do you mean liquid foundation? i use chanel creme base. then you don't get the patchy neck.
alright, will put aside time to read part three.
[really goes to boil kettle now]
it's coming donkey. it has to build
Dude, you're an actor, we know you wear make-up... it's OK to know.
that was great. Bevan. God that's a bad name.
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